The Myth of Being Emotionless:
Why Every Man Has Emotional and Attachment Needs
“I just don’t think I’m that emotional.”
“I’m not someone who needs connection—I’m fine on my own.”
“I don’t really care about all that feelings stuff.”
If these statements resonate with you, you’re not alone. Many men grow up believing they don’t have strong emotional needs—or at least, that they shouldn’t. Society often praises men who appear stoic, independent, and self-sufficient, leaving little room to explore vulnerability, emotional depth, or attachment needs.
But here’s the truth: you do have emotions and attachment needs, whether you acknowledge them or not. They’re part of being human, and ignoring them doesn’t mean they go away—it just means they go unnoticed, often driving your behavior in ways you might not expect.
The Story of “I Don’t Need Anyone”
Let me tell you about a man who came to therapy because his marriage was on the verge of collapse. He sat in my office with his arms crossed, saying, “I don’t even know why I’m here. My wife says I’m emotionally unavailable, but that’s just how I’ve always been. I don’t think I have any big needs—I’m just not wired like that.”
Matt prided himself on being independent. He worked hard, provided for his family, and rarely asked for help. Emotions? Those were for his wife, not him. But as we talked, I began to ask him questions:
“When you feel disconnected from your wife, does it frustrate you?”
“Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough for her—or anyone?”
“When you were growing up, who did you turn to for comfort?”
At first, Matt shrugged off these questions. But eventually, as we dug deeper, he began to notice something: beneath his frustration, he felt sadness. Beneath his anger, he felt fear—fear of rejection, fear of being unworthy, fear of not being loved.
Why Emotional and Attachment Needs Matter
Even if you don’t recognize them, attachment needs are universal. They’re the innate human desires for safety, connection, and belonging. These needs aren’t weaknesses—they’re part of what makes relationships meaningful and fulfilling.
For men like Matt, these needs often show up in disguised ways:
Feeling angry or resentful when you’re criticized (underneath is the need to feel respected and valued).
Shutting down or withdrawing when conflict arises (underneath is the need to feel safe and accepted).
Working long hours or staying busy to avoid feelings of inadequacy (underneath is the need to feel worthy and successful).
Ignoring these needs doesn’t make them disappear—it just leaves them unmet. And unmet needs often lead to patterns of disconnection, frustration, or loneliness.
The Cost of Disowning Your Needs
For Matt, disowning his emotions and attachment needs had a profound impact on his marriage. His wife felt shut out, saying, “It’s like there’s a wall between us.” And while Matt told himself he didn’t need much emotionally, he admitted feeling lonely and unsure of how to fix things.
Disowning your needs doesn’t just harm your relationships—it harms you. It can lead to:
Chronic stress and burnout from suppressing your feelings.
Difficulty forming deep, meaningful connections.
A sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction, even when things seem “fine.”
The Breakthrough: Rediscovering Emotional Needs
As Matt continued therapy, something shifted. One day, he admitted, “I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove I don’t need anyone because I was scared no one would show up for me.”
That moment was transformative. For the first time, Matt began to see his emotional needs—not as a weakness, but as a part of himself he’d been avoiding. He started practicing small steps: sharing his feelings with his wife, asking for help at work, and reflecting on his past with curiosity instead of judgment.
An Invitation to Explore Your Needs
If you’ve ever told yourself you don’t have emotional or attachment needs, I want to challenge you to pause and reflect:
When was the last time you felt frustrated, lonely, or disconnected?
Could those feelings be pointing to deeper needs for respect, love, or understanding?
What would it look like to approach those needs with compassion instead of avoidance?
The truth is, acknowledging your needs doesn’t make you weak—it makes you strong. It takes courage to face the parts of yourself you’ve been taught to ignore. But when you do, you open the door to deeper relationships, greater self-awareness, and a life that feels more authentic and connected.
